When I moved into my new home, I bought some furniture that required assembly. And the furniture assembly turned into a metaphor for my own reassembly, the reassembly of my life.
It looks complicated and overwhelming. I didn't think I could do it. There were so many loose parts.
I was determined to do it myself, and stubbornly didn't want help. It may have taken me an exceptionally long time to do it, but after a while, things started to take shape.
Pretty soon, the kids' bunk beds started to look like beds.
And bunk beds:
Life for me lately has been so many different things all at once. I feel good and focused one day, overwhelmed and sad the next. I sometimes enjoy the time I have on my own to ride, run, swim, run errands, and work, but I miss my kids with a palpable ache, especially in the evenings. But I also have a really nice feeling when they are with Sam, knowing that they need their time with each other.
The drop offs have gone way more smoothly than I could have hoped. The kids have transitioned back and forth between us very well. I was told by many that kids are resilient, but what I have experienced (so far) has been pretty amazing. Please don't think I'm saying that everything is easy, or there aren't difficult conversations going on, and hard questions. But one thing I know for sure is these kids know they are fiercely loved.
My condo feels homey and safe. And that definitely helps.
It also helps to have friends that have served as life rafts for me in a stormy sea. I mean honestly, I'm humbled by how much love I receive from them.
And then of course, there are these two. It's hard not to keep putting one foot in front of the other with my two tiny loves leading the way:
I'm sure that someday, my heart will feel light again. It's just complicated. I remind myself hourly that it takes time, and there are lot of loose parts to piece back together. I use my quiet time to pray and write. I use my kid time to laugh and live big. I am kind of getting to know myself all over again. Reassembling.
"So this is how you swim inward. So this is how you flow outwards. So this is how you pray."